Fostering Relationships Across Generations

March 4, 2023

A strong relationship between grandparents and grandchildren is the stuff of Hallmark movies and heartwarming TV commercials. In that moment, it all seems effortless. However, strong grandparent / grandchild relations take time and hard work, or at least open communication.

Here are some suggestions for how you can help build these important intergenerational relationships.

Clarify Boundaries

The story told across cultures and times is that grandparents spoil their grandchildren. This is a natural part of the relationship between generations. Grandparents are more comfortable with the process of watching children because they’ve already done it for years, so they have the confidence to give their grandchildren more freedom than they allowed their children.

A second reason grandparents are more permissive is because the consequences of too much sugar or staying up too late fall on the parents, when the child returns home. But this second item is where friction can occur in the relationship.

Parents and grandparents need to clarify where the boundaries are. Small infractions, like an extra dessert can be easily forgiven and don’t have long-term consequences. But larger differences in styles, including allowing children to watch otherwise forbidden TV shows, or disregarding established family patterns like bedtime rules, can be a source of friction.

Parents and grandparents both need to be flexible when discussing the rules. Parents should be willing to bend a little on the expectations of their free babysitter, and grandparents can’t just do whatever they want.

Quality Time? How about Quantity Time?

Comedian turned Senator Al Franken used to say that his father didn’t believe in quality time. Instead, Franken explained, his father practiced a thing called “quantity time” by spending a lot of time with his children.

It was a joke, of course, playing on the words, but there is a deep and important truth inside it. The way that deep relationships happen is by spending time together. Grandparents who can be a constant part of their grandchildren’s lives will have more meaningful connections because time is how these connections are formed. A 7 year old who has not seen a grandparent since last Christmas might not remember the previous experiences very well, and can be forgiven for shying away from a hug or a kiss. The grandparent they see once a year is, in a real sense, a sort of stranger.

This is why grandparents seeking a strong relationship across generations need to invest time, perhaps at an expense and at some inconvenience. However, the time spent caring for grandchildren, and taking them to parks and museums, and sometimes sneaking in a sweet treat, can help form the basis of a strong Hallmark-quality relationship.